Why do people hide their grief after a loss, and what happens when they do?
- Annelise Miller
- Aug 19, 2020
- 3 min read
Updated: 1 day ago
Grief doesn't always get the space it deserves. In many families, the unspoken rule is to move on quickly, stay strong, or simply not bring it up. Over time, people learn to hide their grief, not because they've stopped feeling it, but because the people around them don't always know what to do with it. I've had clients tell me they sneak away to cry in private, or that they've stopped bringing up the person they lost because they can see it makes others uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with finding ways to protect yourself. But it can get lonely.
Where the hiding comes from
Most people don't consciously decide to hide their grief. It happens gradually. Someone changes the subject when you bring up the person who died. A well-meaning friend says "they're in a better place" and you realize they want reassurance, not honesty about how you are actually coping. You learn to read the room and adjust accordingly. After a while, the version of your grief you share with others starts to look very different from what you actually feel.
What happens when grief doesn't have anywhere to go
Grief that doesn't have space to be expressed doesn't disappear. It tends to show up in other ways. Some people notice they feel irritable or on edge without knowing why. Others find themselves avoiding reminders of the person they lost, or the opposite, becoming preoccupied with them, replaying memories over and over, thinking about what they would have changed, or wondering if it was somehow their fault. Some people feel disconnected from their own emotions, like they've gone a little numb. These aren't signs that something is wrong with you. They're signs that something important hasn't had room to be felt.
Some grief is harder to share than others
Not all grief feels safe to talk about openly. Losing someone to suicide, an overdose, or circumstances that feel shameful or complicated often comes with an extra layer of silence. You might worry about being judged, or about how the story reflects on the person who died. You might feel things that don't fit the expected script, relief, anger, ambivalence, and have no idea how to explain that to someone who just wants to offer condolences. That kind of grief can be especially isolating because it doesn't just lack space. It actively gets shut down.
What it looks like when grief has room to breathe
Therapy offers something that most social situations can't, a space where you don't have to manage how your grief lands on someone else. You don't have to worry about making people uncomfortable, saying the wrong thing, or being told it's time to move on. You can be honest about what you're actually feeling, including the parts that don't make sense or don't fit what others expect. Grief takes as long as it takes. There's no timeline, and there's nothing wrong with needing to go over the same memories again and again. That repetition is often part of how we make sense of a loss. If you're carrying grief that feels too complicated or too heavy to share with the people in your life, I'd be glad to talk. You can learn more about how I work with grief here.
Ready to talk?
If this resonates with you, I offer online grief counseling across California. Let's start with a free 15-minute conversation to see if we're a good fit.
