The Friendship Epidemic: Why making friends gets harder as adults and what to do about it

In my therapy practice, I hear it constantly: "I don't have any real friends," "I don't know how to make friends anymore," "When I try to connect with people, it never seems to work out."

So what's going on? Why do so many of us crave deeper connections while simultaneously finding them so elusive?

The desire for friendship is hardwired into us. We're social creatures who evolved to live in communities, sharing resources and emotional support. Yet modern life has created a perfect storm of obstacles to meaningful connection.

For one thing, our structures for natural friendship formation disappear after school ends. Remember how easy it was to make friends when you were younger? You sat next to someone in class, played on the same team, or lived in the same dorm. Proximity and regular, unplanned interactions created the foundation for friendship.

As adults, we're rarely thrown into these friendship incubators. We work, commute, handle family responsibilities, and collapse into exhaustion—often all while interacting with the same small circle of people.

Then there's vulnerability. Adult friendships require a willingness to be seen—flaws and all. As children we chose friends who liked to play the same sports or listen to the same music. While having the same interests is enjoyable for adult friendships, often it can leave us wanting more. But letting someone see our authentic selves feels terrifyingly risky. If we are not willing to be vulnerable we won't feel closeness in friendships. It can be nerve wrecking to be the first to admit something deeply personal, but without deeper connections we never receive the support we need to go through the tough parts of life. This is why depression, anxiety and addiction rates are so high. We have lost the connection and support of community.

And let's be honest—we're all busy. Friendship takes time, and in our hectic lives, "getting coffee sometime" often remains a perpetually unfulfilled promise.

So what can we do?

While having some deeper connections is important, not everyone you meet will meet that need. Just like finding a romantic partner you may meet up with several people before finding someone that you can actually imagine being friends with. And surface level friendships can serve an important purpose too. Sometimes, the person you chat with at your weekly workout class is exactly the friendship you need right now. A chance to escape from the stressors in your life and just hang out with someone.

Prioritize connection like any other important area of your life. Schedule it. Protect that time. Show up consistently, even when it's inconvenient. Make meeting and hanging out with friends part of your routine. Making friends as an adult isn't impossible—it just requires intention and vulnerability. And trust me, when you hear how universal this struggle is, you'll realize we're all waiting for someone else to make the first move.