How to find the right therapist, and why you might be filtering for the wrong things

When I first started practicing, clients would sometimes tell me a few sessions in that they had actually been looking for an older therapist. Someone with more life experience, they'd say, someone who would just get it. I used to feel self-conscious about that. Now we just laugh about it together, usually because by that point the work has been going well and they can see that what they were filtering for wasn't really what they needed. That gap between what people search for in a therapist and what actually makes therapy work is something I've been thinking about for a long time.

Why it makes sense to be specific

When you're about to tell a stranger the most difficult things in your life, it makes sense to want reassurance that they'll understand. People search for therapists who they imagine will relate to them, someone the same age, the same gender, the same cultural background, or someone who specializes in the exact situation they're dealing with. The impulse is understandable. You want to feel seen before you've even walked in the door. But when people filter too specifically, something else can happen. They start to assume the therapist has walked the same path and look for guidance on what steps to take next, rather than doing the work of figuring out what's right for them. Even if a therapist shares your background or identity, their experience of it may be completely different from yours. Shared identity can create connection, but it isn't the same as therapeutic understanding. The goal of friendship is mutual connection. The goal of therapy is something different, helping you find your own way through, not following someone else's.

What actually makes therapy work

Research on therapy outcomes consistently points to the same thing. The most important factor in whether therapy helps isn't the therapist's age, gender, or personal background. It's the quality of the therapeutic relationship. Do you feel safe enough to be honest? Does the therapist understand what you're actually trying to say? Are they skilled enough to help you move through it? Those things matter far more than whether they've lived a version of your life. Therapists are trained to work with experiences very different from their own. That's not a limitation. It's the point.

The filters worth keeping and the ones worth letting go

Some filters are worth keeping. You want someone licensed and trained. You want someone who specializes in what you're dealing with, whether that's grief, anxiety, relationship struggles, or something more specific. You want someone whose approach to therapy makes sense to you. Those things genuinely affect outcomes. What tends to matter less than people expect is age, whether the therapist has been through something similar, or whether they share your exact cultural or demographic background. A therapist who specializes in complicated grief will likely serve you better than one who happens to be the same age as you. A therapist who works specifically with men navigating relationship struggles will likely understand your situation better than one who simply identifies as male. Specificity of expertise matters. Assumed similarity often doesn't.

How to know if you've found the right fit

When you're trying to figure out how to find the right therapist, the best place to start is a direct conversation with them. Most therapists, myself included, offer a free consultation before you commit to anything. Pay attention to how you feel during that call. Do you feel heard? Does their way of working make sense to you? Do you feel like you could eventually be honest with them, even if you're not quite there yet? You don't need to feel completely comfortable right away. Some discomfort is normal at the start of any therapeutic relationship. But there should be something that feels promising. If it doesn't feel right after a few sessions, it's okay to say so. A good therapist will help you figure out whether to keep going or whether someone else might be a better fit. If you'd like to learn more about how I work, you can read about my approach to anxiety, grief, and men's therapy.

Ready to talk?

If you've been searching for the right therapist and haven't quite found them yet, I offer online therapy across California for anxiety, grief, and men's mental health. Let's start with a free 15-minute conversation to see if we're a good fit.

Annelise Miller, MS, LMFT

Practicing therapy in Lafayette, CA